A record of reality.

This is ended up being an obscenely long post, but I really wanted it to reflect the full reality of the experience. So, here is a record of my feelings towards studying medicine and working as a doctor over the past month while I was on clinical placement and actually living the reality of the dream:

Monday 22.03 - We had to drive 39 miles to go to a hospital and get Covid swabs only for said swabs to be sent back to the main hospital which is 3 miles away from us. God, the NHS red tape is like no other. 

Tuesday 23.03 - We are getting taught practical skills by a bunch of videos. I cannot wait to get my hands on patients and do things, if I am made to see one more video I swear...

Wednesday 24.03 - Interesting conversations about clinical ethics and law, who can consent to what and what our duties are. It is insane how much power and responsibility is placed in doctors' hands regarding life's biggest decisions.

Thursday 25.03 - More clinical ethics. On the other side, I just found out that the junior doctor who teaches us has to spend 2 x 3 h a week with us and is not even getting paid, but needs the teaching experience for his CV because that's how competitive NHS jobs are. Doesn't seem very ethical to me and the system is rigged to take advantage of junior staff at every corner. Not terribly excited to work in these conditions, ngl.

Friday 26.03 - Joined ward round and by noon I had lost all will to live. My legs hurt, I hadn't had anything to drink in 4 hours and, worst of all, I had no idea what was happening the whole time. Also, all of the patients we saw were really ill and really complex - all modern medicine could do for them is pump them full of drugs and make them feel slightly less bad. Feeling a bit hopeless and disheartened that there won't be much satisfaction of a job well done. 

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Monday 29.03 - Interesting sessions with simulated patients on how to build relationships and manage the patient's emotions. Had to talk to a crying patient and an angry patient. It went well and I felt good that I was able to provide a small outlet for their negative emotions.

Tuesday 30.03 - Talking about the ethics at the end of life. I am in awe of the lecturers who look at death in the face every single day and have now come to teach us how to do the same with strength and compassion. Had a debate about assisted suicide which was a revelation. Then went to the acute assessment unit to shadow a junior doctor; saw a really ill patient and felt really bad there isn't much that can be done for him, but at least I learned a lot under the expert tutelage of the junior doctor who actually had the time and patience to talk to me.

Wednesday 31.03 - Went to the ward in the morning and again managed to not learn anything and not do anything. On the plus side, had a lovely afternoon of learning. My mind was blown at right around 7:30 pm when I got chatting with a nurse in the hallway and she was so kind to offer for me to go to her ward and listen to some interesting heart murmurs. She even wrote my name and number down with the offer to contact me if she got an interesting case. The learning environment is amazing and many people are so keen to have medical students and let them practice things - IT IS UNBELIEVABLE. 

Thursday 01.04 - Wasted so much time today running around like a headless chicken. Damn, this life is so inefficient sometimes. Talked to a patient who was lovely and had a wicked sense of humour. Then, 40 minutes in, he casually mentions he has a terminal illness and is expected to pass away by the end of the month. He gets tears in his eyes and I try to manage his emotions and mine. Is this what doctors handle on a daily basis?

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Easter break

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Monday 12.04 - Went to the ward in the morning. Walked around like a lost duckling until a final year medical student took us to examine an interesting patient. Day=made.

Tuesday 13.04 - All of the patients on my ward are still very ill and there is very little we can do for them. Not sure if I like this aspect of medicine and I don't know how to deal with it. Do I need to like/tolerate all aspects of medicine to be content as a doctor?

Wednesday 14.04 - Had a day of practical skills - cannulas, catheters, blood gasses. I LOVE HANDS ON DAYS. Time literally flew by and I had so much fun, I think I just really really like this aspect of practicing medicine. 

Thursday 15.04 - Tried to get some patients to practice my newly acquired practical skills on. Due to a sequence of unfortunate events, there were none that were suitable/would let me. The nurses in the unit were so lovely and let me observe, but I am afraid looking only gets you so far. I'd hate to find out 2 years in that I actually lack all dexterity needed for the job. This career is a constant juggling act between the emotional, the practical and the intellectual (and the other 1000 aspects I am choosing to ignore right now). At any given time I feel like I am free-falling and as soon as I find my footing there is something else to do that requires an entirely different skillset. 

Friday 16.04 - We have some more Zoom lectures on something, but I am totally unable to focus. I hope it wasn't anything important. 

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Monday 19.04 - GP placement is such a change of pace. We focus on taking histories and it feels like we're actually doing something worthwhile. 

Tuesday 20.04 - So many interesting cases! We go on a home visit and the patient asks what we hear through the stethoscope. I let her have a listen to her heart sounds through mine and she giggles like a school girl. She is 86. It's a lovely day. I then proceed to take a blood sample from her and she falls asleep in the middle of it. I am not saying I aced it, but that is exactly what I am saying. 

Wednesday 21.04 - All of the patients we talk to today are quite ill. All we can do is order tests and refer to specialists. There's that frustration again. 

Thursday 22.04 - Just when I think I am getting comfortable with talking to patients and taking a structured history, I take a call that bounces from the windows to the wall every 2 seconds. 

Friday 23.04 - We have a lovely lunch in the sun. The GP who is leading our afternoon seminar informs us that it is Poets' Day... Poets' being 'Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday'. We are done and out the door by 3:30 pm and it is glorious. 

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To summarise this placement in one sentence: 'I have no idea what is happening and everything is on fire the whole time'.  I definitely have more questions than answers right now and not feeling sure about this whole medicine biz.